Feeding Babies: What I've Chosen and Why

For the first three weeks of life, my boys breastfed. I dutifully sat on the couch with my double breastfeeding pillow and the boys worshiped lovingly at the alter of boob. It was nearly a full time job--sometimes the boys were on the breast for five hours a day, but they were happy and so was I.

Three weeks after we came home from the hospital, the boys started getting really fussy at night. I read about cluster feeding, and that it was normal for babies to be hungrier and moodier from 6-10 pm. Every time they'd fuss, I'd put them to breast, but one night, as they howled even after they were put to breast multiple times, I burst into tears as well. My breasts felt...dry. I just knew that my babies were hungry and I wasn't giving them enough. So, in spite of all articles cautioning you not to do this, I gave the squaking boy some formula...and the crying--both mine and his--instantly stopped.

The next morning I started pumping...exclusively. As I began pumping, I began to notice some mathematics that explained why the boys were not always satisfied after feedings. First of all, my right breast was producing 10-25% less at each session, which explained why the baby I was feeding on my right breast was always seemingly hungrier and fussier than his brother. I know you're supposed to rotate twins on breasts for this exact reasons, but one of my boys had a lot of trouble latching on the other side.

Also, as I tracked my output and their consumption, I found that I was producing about 3-5 oz less per day than the babies seemingly needed. Knowing this gave me the option to supplement with a minimal amount of formula in addition to my expressed breast milk.

Having now done both breastfeeding and pumping/supplementing, I can say that each had their positives and negatives. For me, these are..

Breastfeeding positives...
-sense of closeness with babies
-once they're latched, the potential to have both hands free is there
-doesn't involve any expensive or cumbersome equipment
-can be done at the drop of a hat, no need to heat up a bottle or screw on a nipple.
-some research suggests that fresh breast milk is better for baby than that which comes out of the fridge

Breastfeeding negatives...
-nipple pain became a real issue
-leakage from one breast while baby was feeding on the other soaked all of my clothing and made me smell and feel unclean...especially during a time when showers aren't plentiful
-having to cover up around people is a pain
-you don't know how much the baby is getting
-only you can feed them
-feedings some times took over 30-40 minutes per baby

Pumping/supplementing positives...
-anyone can be involved in feeding which aids with both giving mom a little flexibility, and helping dad and others to bond with baby
-nipple discomfort is less than with breastfeeding
-feeding in public is easier and more discreet
-hands-free bra makes pumping easy to do while feeding the baby with a bottle simultaneously
-you know how much the baby is getting
-makes going back to work an easier transition

My dried out skin after 2 weeks of pumping and washing bottles

Pumping/supplementing negatives...
-cost of bottles, nipples, pump, etc is obviously higher than the $0 cost of breast feeding
-dishes. By far the worst part of pumping. We don't have a dishwasher, so my hands are literally raw to the point of bleeding because of the constant scrubbing.
-takes a little (but not much) set up time
-I've read that the pump can't keep your supply as high as a baby can. I rent a hospital grade pump, though, so maybe that's better?
-storage can be a bit tricky, especially on the go

Point is, there are good sides to both. For me, I really like being able to track how much the boys are consuming. I also really value having my husband be a part of the feeding process. When we were breastfeeding, I always felt like he had to play the "bad cop" role as diaper man, and never got to enjoy their milk-drunk cuteness. We've always been equal partners as a couple, and this seemed like the best decision to help all four of us bond together.

A graph of the babies' consumption and my production since I began pumping

Whatever you decide, remember that any decision is a good one so long as you're thinking of your baby. I think formula gets this horrible reputation, at least in my granola, liberal suburban neck of the woods it does, but there are plenty of great arguments for formula as well. Formula is definitely not poison, and in the end I think it's best to do whatever makes the most sense for your family, your baby, and your situation. Not everyone can or should feel like they have to breastfeed for 12 months. Just take care of yourself and your baby and you'll be fine!

Beginning the Scale Wars

During my pregnancy, I gained 55 lbs. This is pretty typical of a multiples pregnancy, but since I was already heavy when I got pregnant, I probably shouldn't have gained so much. I blame Frosties.

I've struggled with my weight ever since puberty. Some of you read my old blog, so you know that I lost a fair amount of weight leading up to our trying to conceive journey, but I stupidly put it all back on between the first pregnancy and the emotional eating that accompanied the miscarriage. I'm not going to beat myself up for that; I was emotionally empty, and if ice cream could help in the month after our loss, then so be it. But the fact remains that I entered my twins' pregnancy at 236 pounds, pretty much the heaviest I've ever been.

37 weeks pregnant

On the Monday before my delivery, I weighed 291 lbs. At my one week postpartum appointment, I weighed 266 lbs. One month postpartum, I was 250 lbs. While this weight loss makes me happy (41 lbs so far), it's really through no effort of my own. I've been eating total garbage and I can't workout much post-surgery. The weight loss thus far can be entirely attributed to breastfeeding and being unable to eat at times because I lack spare hands.

Starting on Thursday of next week, I'm going to do a weekly health check in and weigh in. Here are some of my goals for this week:

• Drink two or fewer cokes per day (I know this sounds like not a sacrifice, but unfortunately that would be cutting back).
• Drink 3 jug-fuls (the container I got at the hospital) of water per day
• Count calories on at least one day

Baby steps, people.

Our Journey: The First Month

I go into detail on the first 2.5 weeks in an earlier post which you can read here. Long story short? Lots of tears, very little sleep. It was pure survival mode, and it was more difficult than I ever thought it could be.

But then...like some kind of magical, baby-whispering chariot of the gods...our Rock n' Play sleepers arrived from Amazon. I'll rave about these in greater detail in a later review-style post, but for now let me just say that they absolutely saved our little family. We've been using them for almost two weeks now, and they've enabled us to get on a schedule, as tenuous as it might be.

With the help of the rock n' plays, we started sleeping at night shortly before the boys reached three weeks old. We'd put them down in their sleepers sometime between 8 and 11pm, and we'd go to bed, too. Every 3 hours or so they wake up, we change them, feed them, and then repeat the cycle. By morning, we have about 6-8 hours of sleep...so long as it all goes well, but keep in mind that that sleep is extremely interrupted. Likely none of it is deep or REM sleep, but at least all four of us are asleep and awake on almost the same schedule.

Once the boys started sleeping at night with us though, they started to be more wakeful during the day. This is way more fun in a lot of ways, as they look around more and make eye contact. At the same time, it makes it more difficult to hold both of them at the same time or set them down for extended periods of time. We've enjoyed cuddling with them all day though, and I'm lucky to have a husband who can spend so much time helping.

When the boys were at 3.5 weeks, I noticed that they seemed hungrier and I felt like I wasn't adequately meeting their needs with exclusively breastfeeding. I switched to pumping and supplementing with a few ounces of formula per day. So far, I've been liking this a lot more. It's nice to be able to mathematically track how much they're getting, it's nice for my husband to be able to join in on feedings (and the bonding that accompanies them), and they seem more satisfied, especially at night. We'll see what the future brings, but for now I'm loving the pump I rented from the hospital.

Another new development has been that we've started going out more in the last week of their first month. We took the boys to Zoo Lights at Lincoln Park Zoo and we were super impressed with how sleepy and well behaved they were. They really seem to enjoy car rides. We also have been going on longer and longer walks as my body heals. We even took the boys to a local pizza joint for a quick slice, although we'll likely be avoiding real restaurants for a while. Today, on their one month birthday, we took them to a friends' house for the first time and did our first out-and-about feeding and change. I was very impressed at how well it went!

 All in all, all four of us have come so far in the past month, and it feels like it's been a heck of a lot longer than that. It's hard to think of a time when they weren't a part of our world.

Happy One Month Birthday, Double Rainbows!!!!

My C-Section Recovery

I'd like to preface this by saying that my c-section was probably not the norm. I was in a lot of pain throughout the procedure, my incision was probably bigger because of twins, and my recovery was different because my boys were in the NICU at first. Everyone recovers differently; this was just what happened to me.

The first 24 hours were by far the worst. I was doped into a state of confusion and disorientation. Every movement of my body hurt, and the incision site felt so fresh and gaping that I felt sure my guts were going to fall out at any moment. The pain was pretty intense, making me regret the csection completely, despite the fact that I had gone into my induction half wishing I'd just elected to do a csection instead. Moving from bed to bed when they moved me from recovery to the postpartum room was agony. When the nurse had me get up for the first time twelve hours after my surgery, I wanted to cry.

To add to the discomfort, I couldn't eat anything at all for a while and when they did allow me to eat, it was only from the clear liquids menu. I was hungry, but I was also petrified that anything I ate might cause me abdominal pain. Lastly, I was still catheterized. Obviously this was a good thing since I couldn't even fathom getting up to use the bathroom, but it didn't help in the comfort department.

So the first 24 hours were hellish, but after that, I improved at an exponential rate. In the second day, I was able to get up and go to the bathroom. I was shaky and slow, but my mobility and my pain were much much better. I believe it was the third day when I began refusing the prescription pain meds and just made due with motrin. I think it was the second day when I changed out of my hospital gown and took a (albiet very gimpy) shower.

I hear that they often take out the staples from the incision and replace them with steristrips before leaving the hospital, but my doctor decided to have me come into the office a week after my surgery and have them removed then. That day I had a fair amount of bleeding, enough to stain my shirt slowly throughout the day, and that freaked me out a fair amount. By the next day, however, the bleeding had clotted and stopped. It did not bleed again or reopen.

As far as movement, I was able to walk well but slowly when we left the hospital, but the stairs at my house were troublesome in the first few days home. I tried to limit the number of times I went up and down them, and in the first few days at home I had someone else carry the babies up and down the stairs rather than me. By a week after the surgery, I was doing to stairs a little better and getting around better.

In the second week after the surgery, I was able to take the boys on a 1/2 mile to a mile walk a couple of times. Other people still had to carry the car seats and set up the snap n go though. In my third week I started to carry the boys in the car seats for short stretches, and I set up the snap n go if no one else was around. Our last walk was a full mile, and while I was slow, I did the whole thing. Still, I probably shouldn't push the issue, and I'd recommend not doing lifting if there are other people around who could do the lifting instead.

Now, at 3.5 weeks, my steristrips have all fallen off (they fell off a number of days ago), and my incision is pretty nicely healed. It has definitely gotten smaller and less freakish looking then it did initially. Remember that the skin on your stomach shrinks after delivery and therefore so does the incision scar. It will not be as big forever as it'll look the day of the surgery. Also in the recovery department, I've been able to sleep on my stomach for the first time in about 7-8 months. I still feel the occasional pain or electric sensation in my incision site, but I do feel a lot better and a lot healthier than I did 3 weeks ago. Whenever I feel a little bit of tension, cramping, or abdominal pain I just sit down and take it easy for an hour or so. Overall, it gets better pretty quickly, even if the initial pain and discomfort is pretty intense.

Review: Twin Breastfeeding Pillow

We took a twin breastfeeding class at 33 weeks, and the instructor showed us a double breastfeeding pillow. I'd seen such things prior to the class and always made fun of them (they kind of look rediculous and they're a little pricey for a freaking pillow), but after the class I started thinking it might not be the worst purchase in the world.

I bought the very stylish cheetah print pattern (much to my husband's chagrine). I planned to use it right away in the hospital, but breastfeeding was kind of rough going for the first few days, so I didn't want to add another new element to the mix.

Once I got home, however, this pillow was one of the best purchases I made for the babies. While I'm still working on making tandem feeding a regular practice, it would be almost impossible without the double pillow. More importantly though, the double pillow makes it possible for me to hold both of them at the same time without both of my arms breaking off. It gives me a place to rest one baby safely while I'm feeding the other. It would be way more difficult to care for both of the boys by myself if I hadn't made this purchase. It also gives me a place to set my laptop while the boys are sleeping on me. Thanks to this pillow, I was able to do a project for work while holding both boys when they weren't even two weeks old!

The pillow also has a privacy cover that goes over your neck. My chest is pretty big, so there's still a lot of skin showing on the sides, but it's a nice feature for when we have less familiar company over.
Another feature of the pillow is a back rest and back strap, but I'm not thin enough to use it yet. Using the pillow on the couch satisfies the back support need though.

The pillow we bought is available for $69.99 on Amazon.com in a variety of colors.

Our Journey: The First Two Weeks at Home

Yesterday marked two weeks of being at home with our boys. It feels like a heck of a lot longer than that, however, because we have been through such a variety of emotions, sleep schedules, etc.

When we first got home, I was living under the delusion that the boys would go down in their crib and sleep for 2-3 hours at a time between feedings without a hitch. It didn't take long, less than 12 hours to be exact, to discern that this was a fantasy. Once swaddled and set down in the empty, cold, gaping expanse of their very expensive and fancy crib, the boys would pause for mere minutes before exploding into screams. Sitting in the recliner with two sleeping babies on my chest, I began sobbing to my husband. Neither of us had slept in 18 hours, and the night before that had been 5-6 hours of sleep. What were we going to do?

Enter my mother, swooping in like some kind of super hero. A few hours later, cue my dad, galloping in on a white steed. A few hours after that, cue the in-laws, coming over in the middle of the night like two free night nurses. My parents had to cancel their travel plans for Thanksgiving, which I cried some more about and apologized for profusely. On top of the very palpable baby blues I felt during those first days at home, I also cried because I felt helpless. I was a little like a baby myself: sleeping odd hours, eating erratically, and totally dependent on my parents for everything.

With the parents' help and the help of a few very close and dedicated friends, the first week was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but it was still manageable. Sure, the boys wouldn't sleep on or in anything that didn't have a pulse, but if you have enough warm bodies, you can still get a bite to eat and the occasional nap. My sister in law helped us get to our first doctor's appointment, but by the end of the first week at home, my husband and I were able to get to the follow up doctor's appointment on our own.

As people began to go back to work following the Thanksgiving holiday and week one of being at home transitioned into week two, we had less and less help, but experience has helped to educate us. A friend helped us to set up the swing, and we brought the car seats in from the car to have extra places to set the boys down if needed. My husband and I began sleep cycling: he would sleep during the day, and I would sleep at night. It might be stressful for our relationship, but after almost ten years of companionship, we have the kind of bond that can withstand a few weeks of pulling and tugging.

Taking care of the babies by oneself is no small feet. Sure, there are times like right now when both boys are 100% knocked out on my chest and, while movement is entirely out of the question (and therefore so is going to the bathroom, showering, or eating), you can watch TV and surf the internet to your heart's content. However, there are other times when both babies are crying like banshees. They both need a diaper change at the exact same moment. One is hungry and the other one wants to be bounced. Whatever. There are a million scenarios in which two arms aren't enough, but you also don't want to wake up your sleeping partner. Maybe, selfishly, you don't want to wake them because when the shoe is on the other foot, you don't want to be woken up either.

Still, week two was substantially less nightmarish than week one. I had a schedule, awkward as it was. I had some alone time since we didn't need round the clock help, and I was much better rested. The temperature warmed for a few days during the second week, and we were able to get out for a few walks, which the boys enjoyed immensely. They enjoyed them so much, in fact, that they thanked us each time by sleeping soundly in the car seats for at least an hour or two after they returned from said walk. The walks were also nice for me because I was getting claustrophobic in our "cozy" two bedroom town home. I felt alive again; my post-surgery body was allowing me a more normal range of movement, even if I was only slowly hobbling a few blocks.

Near the middle of week two, I purchased rock n' play sleepers on the recommendation of a few women on thebump.com, and I obsessively checked the shipping status of my new baby accessories. I dreamed of sleeping at the same time as my husband, and having a companion during the day (because all four of us had slept in the night like actual human beings). The reviews of the sleepers on Amazon made them sound like some kind of miracle device, which sounded far too good to be true, but the optimist in me held out hope.

Yesterday, on the two week date of our return home from the hospital, we took the boys to their first movie. While our carefully scheduled sleeping regime had to suffer as a result, it was nice to be out and about. Malcolm slept soundly through the entire two hour film (we saw Breaking Dawn Part 2...ewww), and Brendan only woke up once, but was almost instantly soothed when I fed him and held him.

Everything was going wonderfully...until my husband had to go to his graduate class. I'd been alone with the boys plenty in the second week, so I figured I'd be fine. I put together the rock n' plays which arrived right as we got home from the movie and looked forward to a quiet night. Of course, this was the three hour window in which the boys decided to alternate between screaming and feeding over and over and over again. The cats attacked each other and then led a ground assault on the Christmas tree. I began worrying that I wasn't making enough milk because no matter how many times the boys fed, they just wanted more and more and more. I was crying; I was cursing. When my mom finally showed up after she got off of work, I was at my wit's end.

Like a good mom, she calmed me down and in doing so, calmed the boys. We put Brendan in the rock n' play and she held Malcolm while I napped. Later, after another feeding, I moved Brendan and his rock n' play up to the bedroom, and I slept in the bed. He was peaceful and so was I. At 1am, I fed them again and had my husband bring up the second baby and rock n' play "just as a test". The test worked wonderfully. Both babies slept in their rock n' plays for three hours while I slept in the bed. After the 4am feeding, my husband joined us. I thought it would be too good to be true, but the six of us--my husband, myself, the boys, and both cats--all slept like little angels until the 7am feeding.

Which brings us to now. We've been home for two weeks, but I can hardly remember life without the twins. Even though this is hard--like by far the most difficult test of strength I've ever endured--it's worth it. I love my sons, and I love being a mom. The past two weeks have showed me the strength of my relationships with family and friends, the strength of my love for my husband, and my own internal strength of self. I have moments of total, uncontrollable weakness, but after I melt, I put myself back into a solid state and carry on. Things will get easier; the last two weeks have proved that, but more than things getting easier, I think you just learn and improve with each passing day. We've come so far; goodness knows where we'll be by the time they're a month old.

Surprise! Finding Out About Twins

Our multiples pregnancy began much like the average pregnancy. I peed on a strip, I began to experience some (but not many) pregnancy symptoms, and our 6 week ultrasound showed a tiny flickering dot--the heartbeat of our baby.

Wait a second...baby? As in singular? Yes. You read that correctly. At our 6 week ultrasound they saw one gestational sac and one baby. During the ultrasound, I saw the slightest of objects just below the baby, and I asked the technician what she thought it was. She said it was likely the remnants of the fetal pole, and I just shrugged and assumed it must be something like that. We proceeded as usual, planning for our beautiful singleton pregnancy.

At 10 weeks, we went to a vanity ultrasound office. We wanted to check on the baby before we told our families on Mother's Day. I had barely hopped up on the table and lifted my shirt before the ultrasound technician paused and said, "want a surprise?"

I knew what she was going to say before she said it. There were too many little arms and legs in there to be just one baby. It was almost immediately clear that our one little baby was actually two. Their little gummy bear looking bodies were floating together in the black void of the gestational sac.

My husband and I left the office in shock--the good kind of shock. We were happy just to still be pregnant (this was further than we had made it during our first pregnancy); we hadn't even dared to think about something as cool as twins! We drove to a local KFC and stared at each other over our mashed potatoes. How had this happened? What were we going to do? We were scared, but mostly we just kept laughing. We couldn't believe in less than 30 weeks we would have the two child household we'd always wanted.

Everyone processes the news of multiples differently. If you did IVF, you might've prepared yourself for this. Others might be totally blindsided. For me, it was a total surprise. How you react is dependent on so many factors. We were planning on having two children eventually, so long term this didn't really change anything for us. Others, however, might find a twin pregnancy to be a big alteration to their life plan. This might also have financial implications for some families. If the children will need to be in daycare early on, you're talking about double the cost which might be a tremendous and seemingly insurmountable burden.

Another factor that can affect one's reaction to the twin news is the transition from a "normal" pregnancy to a high-risk pregnancy. This can cause added stress, especially if you're pregnant after a loss like I was. It also means more monitoring which can be time consuming, and it might mean bed rest. Bed rest and additional monitoring can again have financial implications, depending on your job and your insurance.

While we were ecstatic about the twin news, don't feel bad if you're less than enthusiastic initially. You have every reason to be nervous and scared. This might not have been what you planned for when you got pregnant. While parenting is all about flexibility, don't beat yourself up if it takes a few months to wrap your head around the unique course of your parenting journey. You'll find a way to make it work and eventually the blessings will outweigh the stresses.

Guidelines for Visiting New Parents

We've been home for almost two weeks, and in that time we've had many visitors. We're blessed with friends and family that are largely respectful and helpful, so we haven't had trouble, but I thought I'd put together a list of visitation rules to help friends and family of new parents. I know I didn't know some of this stuff until the last two weeks, and I wish I had. I could've been more of an asset to my friends who had kids before I did had I known.

1. Call Ahead and ASK: Whatever you do, don't show up unannounced. Hopefully this goes without saying. But even when you do call ahead of time, make sure that it's a request rather than a notification. For example, "would I be able to come by today?" is much more respectful than "I'm gonna stop by today". Give the couple a chance to say no if that's what they (and baby) need.
2. Be Punctual: If you say you're going to come at 4pm, show up at 4pm. The time set up by you and the new parents is likely based on a number of things (when they need help, when the baby will be asleep, when feedings are likely to be, etc). If you're half an hour late, you could throw off a very carefully crafted schedule and make your visit more of a burden than a help.
3. When in Doubt, Don't Come: If you're violently ill, you obviously wouldn't go pick up a new baby. But if you have the sniffles? a lingering cough? a sinus headache? You may think that your symptoms are benign, but it's better to be safe than sorry. When in doubt about your health at ALL, save your trip for another time.
4. Avoid the Doorbell: Sleeping babies (and more often, parents) don't need any extra noise in their lives. Try texting or calling when you're on your way, and someone can leave the door unlocked. If you have an extra key, text and say you're five minutes away and will let yourself in. If all else fails, knock softly first before you resort to ringing. I will say our doorbell is quite obnoxious though, so maybe this is just me.
5. Bring Something: Most people know this one, but it's very hard to get to the store with a newborn. Call the parents and ask what they would like. Don't just bring your favorite dish or something you had lying around. Obviously that's better than nothing, and anything is really appreciated, but ideally they may have necessities (or niceties) that would be appreciated more. Also, when it comes to food, items that can be consumed with one hand (sandwiches, wraps, burritos, etc) are preferable, especially for women who are nursing.
6. Take Away or Put Away Anything You Can: If you bring take out, take the garbage with you when you leave. If you bring groceries, put them in the fridge. If you use a plate, wash it. You've made a nice gesture by providing food/necessities to this new family, but don't saddle them with a chore as a result of your visit.
7. Wash your Hands: Those little babies have such new immune systems. Don't make a parent feel like a germaphobic jerk by having to ask you to do it; just swing by the sink before you pick up that precious little one.
8. Keep the Tone Relaxed: Being a new parent is anxiety-inducing. In the past two weeks, my average vocal volume has dropped by at least 50%, and we often listen to elevator music and ambient sounds to soothe the mood--something my punk/ska obsessed husband would never have engaged in a month ago. When you come over to a house with a new baby, keep your voice low and calm. Don't bring up topics about which you or the new parents will get overly angry or argumentative. This isn't the time for a political debate. If you're in a bad mood, stay home. Negative vibes are not needed in the home of a new child.
9. Let Sleeping Babies Lie: You're there to hold babies, but sometimes babies are asleep when you arrive. This will likely be the case, actually. Newborns often sleep 18 hours a day. If the baby is down, let he/she sleep. Sleep training a newborn is so difficult, and you can undo a lot of work/progress by scooping up a baby who might've just gone down in her crib for the first time. They're still just as cute when you watch them; you'll have plenty of chances to hold them.
10. Keep Your Kids at Home: Your kids are unbelievably awesome and cute. Unfortunately, they are also germy, loud, and destructive. These are not things anyone needs in the home of a new parent, even though they may love and miss your kids. Your kids will meet the babies soon enough. For now, leave them with a sitter if you want to come see the new arrivals, and wait until things are a little bit more settled to have those play dates.