Miscarriage: One Year Later

One year ago today, my husband and I suffered the miscarriage of our first child at 9 weeks, 5 days of gestation. You can read the details of the loss here, but in summary, let’s just say that in a few short weeks we had already completely fallen in love with the child we were going to have. We did not yet know her (we did not know the gender, but have always referred to the child we lost as her because…well… “it” just seems very wrong and “her” just seems very right), but we already knew that we would love her dearly and cherish her with all of our might.

But things don’t always work out the way that you are taught that they do in sex ed class. Sometimes that egg and sperm meet, make a baby, that baby implants, grows, develops a heartbeat and…doesn’t make it. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss can happen at any stage of pregnancy, and I unfortunately know women who have suffered at every stage, from chemical pregnancies that were lost so quickly to women whose little ones were lost in childbirth. No matter the number of weeks or months, a loss is a loss, and nothing can fill the space in your being that is removed when you miscarry.

I remember that day one year ago so vividly. We had already had the ultrasound that demonstrated that the baby no longer had a heartbeat, but this was just the follow up appointment, the confirmation to go in and verify that the “tissue” (see also: human being) hadn’t passed out of my body yet. When we went to the doctor, I stood up off the examination table and miscarried directly into my hand. There was so much blood that I couldn’t see much (and at 9 weeks, 5 days, there probably wasn’t much to see), but even in the utter horror of the moment, it’s nice to know that I held my baby once, if only for a moment. She was gone, and she would never get to see us or smile at us or hear our voices, but I would get to hold her, feel her miniscule weight in my palm, and maybe she would know how dearly she was loved in so brief a time.

But this post isn’t about that day. It isn’t about how hard it is to pick up and move on, or how impossible it is to stop the “if only” thoughts from flooding your brain. This post is about every day since then, and where we are 365 days later. I still cry all the time about it. I know many people might think that’s overly emotional. Heck, some people might not think a 9 week, 5 day old ball of cells is even something to miss, but most women who’ve been through it understand how much emotion is attached to even so small a thing.

However, even though I still cry all the time about it and I still miss her so badly that it aches, I’m also glad that she existed at all. We went through months trying to conceive the first time, and there were so many “ifs” that never even were. She WAS. She might not have been for a very substantial amount of time, but for a few weeks she existed. She was celebrated and dreamed about and applauded by us and by our close friends and family. She was the subject of a lot of dreaming and laughing and conversation. She had a name, and…bittersweet as it was…Dylan Rose had a birth date. It wasn’t in August 2012 like it should have been, but January 17th was the date of her birth even though she was too perfect and innocent to walk among us.

I have mourned her death, the death of what might have been, so many times and I don’t think I’m going to stop mourning it any time soon. But today I will be celebrating her life. It was short, but it was beautiful. And I know that she was loved. In celebration of her life and in recognition of the pain that many women endure in silence as the result of miscarriage and pregnancy loss, I encourage you to share your miscarriage story (if you unfortunately have one) with others. It might be painful to talk about, but to not talk about it allows other people to feel just as alone as maybe you once did. Today I am celebrating the life of the child we lost, and I am sharing her story with you in the hopes that it might give others strength if they should be so unfortunate as to have to experience what we did. 365 days later my lost little girl has two beautiful little brothers. They were her gift to us, and we are celebrating her birthday together, even if she can’t be here to take the first bite of the cake.

Happy birthday, Dylan. We love you so very very much.

Our Journey: The Second Month

Malcolm on Christmas

The second month was when we really started to fall into a better stride as parents. Adjusting to two babies is really tough, but it gets easier and more natural every single day.

One of the things that made the second month more manageable than the first month was that the boys began to sleep through the night at 5.5 weeks. I talk more about the process and the tools we used to help us in another post which you can read here. Once the boys started sleeping through the night, they consistently slept 6-8 hours a night with only a couple of bad nights, and we feel tremendously blessed to have such good little sleepers.

Once the boys started sleeping at night, they became more wakeful during the day. With this wakefulness, came both good and bad. There were, of course, the fussy nights of screaming and almost constant eating, but with more wakefulness also came more of the good stuff. Around 5-6 weeks they began cooing and making vowel noises, and they also began smiling in reaction to things. By the end of the month, they've begun laughing in their sleep, and we can't wait to see that became part of their waking repertoire.

Brendan on Christmas

At 6 weeks we started using the baby carrier more often, and found it was a great tool for curing the nighttime fussiness and for enabling us to get some stuff done around the house. Greg even put both the boys in the twin carrier and did laps around the coffee table while watching basketball. Parenthood is certainly a test of one's multitasking skills.

A highlight of their second months was their first Christmas which they spent with both sides of the family. It was the longest we'd been away from home with them, but throughout the month we got better and better at doing changes on-the-go, and getting packed up to go out.

In the second month we were even able to get a little time for ourselves. At 6 weeks, we dropped the boys off with my husband's parents and went out to dinner just the two of us. At 8 weeks we were able to do it again. It's not easy leaving them, but were very lucky to have so many loving people available to take care of the boys.

Overall, I think we found a stride in the second month and things are beginning to feel more under control. And the best part is that now the boys make little noises and smile all the time, so it's good to know they're so happy! Further evidence that they're growing? The pictures below were about a thousand times easier to capture than their one month picture.

Review: Double Snap-n-Go Stroller

Before the boys were born, we registered for two strollers--a Baby Trend double snap-n-go stroller for when they were little and still in their car seats and a city mini double stroller for when they're older. We haven't broken out the city mini yet, but we frequently use the snap-n-go for shopping and walks, and we've been generally pretty impressed with it.

Overall, the snap-n-go is a pretty simple frame stroller into which you place your car seats. We have Graco Snugride 30 car seats, and they do make a small snap when placed into the frame, but don't expect the same loud and secure snap you have when you put the car seats in their car bases. For extra security, there are straps that buckle together over the car seats once they're in place. When you're setting up the stroller, be careful to keep the straps on the outside of the frame, or they'll get caught and you'll have to collapse the stroller to free them.

As far as portability and ease of use, the stroller is pretty easy to set up and fits in the trunk of my husband's Pontiac G6 with room left over for the diaper bag and a few bags of groceries. Sometimes it's a little tough to get the second car seat in and out, but it just takes a second or two. It's also more difficult right now because we have covers over the seats for warmth.

When it comes to function, the snap n go is good for light day to day use, but I certainly wouldn't take it on any mountain hikes. It's not very maneuverable, but it's not a problem for walks around a neighborhood with sidewalks or a trip to the grocery store. Just don't expect it to turn on a dime. Also, the length of the stroller makes it a little cumbersome, especially when going through doors by yourself. When I have to go out on my own, I end up pulling the stroller through doorways by one of the car seat handles while standing in front of the stroller. It's a little annoying, but I hear the new model is a stadium seating setup which should minimize this problem.

The stroller is simple and doesn't have many bells and whistles, but the cup holders are nice, and the basket underneath is enormous, but not exceptionally accessible. I use it all the time at the grocery store and Target, but you couldn't get a diaper bag in and out of it without removing the car seats.

Overall, we are happy with the purchase. We probably won't use this once they can get in the city mini, but it's perfect for this young age when you don't want to wake them up by taking them out of their car seats to put them in their stroller. I think this is definitely one item that should make every twin registry.

30 Days in a Rock n Play: Fighting the Sleep Battle

As I've said before, sleep was a nightmare when the boys first came home from the hospital. They wouldn't sleep in their cribs or in the pack n play, and so my husband and I switched off sleeping for the first 2.5 weeks, plus we had family and friends helping us out almost constantly.

At 2.5 weeks, my Fisher Price Rock n Play sleepers arrived from Amazon. I'd read reviews calling these things miracles and "must-haves", but I was reserving my judgement until I tried them out for myself. But, thankfully, the reviews did not disappoint. On the first night we tried them, the boys, who had previously almost refused to sleep on anything but a person, fell asleep almost instantly in them and slept for hours.

I figured it surely was a fluke; this couldn't last. But it did. The boys would sleep in the Rock n Plays every night. Usually they fell asleep quite quickly, especially once we started giving them a bigger bottle before bedtime. They were routinely sleeping 3-4 hour stretches, and it usually wasn't a tremendous struggle to get them back down once they were fed (although we of course had our occasional 3 am scream fests). If they had trouble going down, giving them their pacifiers, rocking them, or placing a hand on their chests, hands, or back usually did the trick. There's even a nice little ridge at the head of the Rock n Play where we keep their pacifiers for easy access.

Malcolm in his swaddle

On Night #20, Brendan was really difficult to put down, so I decided to attempt swaddling again (we stopped early on because they really seemed to hate it). I used the Summer SwaddleMe Blanket, and what do you know? The darned kid slept for almost 6 hours straight. After that night, we started swaddling both of them every night, and even their least sleepy night since was still around 5 hours. Routinely, they're sleeping 6-7 hours a night. I'm stunned.

While obviously our babies just have good sleeping genes, and not all babies will sleep through the night if you do the exact same things we did, I attribute their success to a few key tools and elements of our nightly routine. In addition to the two most important tools listed above (the swaddlers and the Rock n Plays), I'd say that getting them nice and full before bed has helped. We have to supplement my pumped milk with a few ounces of formula per day anyway, so we've been giving them that little bit of formula with their bedtime feeding. Formula metabolizes more slowly, so they take longer to get hungry again. I'd also say that keeping the nighttime feeding dark and quiet has helped, but they might not even notice that yet. The boys also seem to sleep best when they're put down between 11pm and 12am. Our shorter sleeping nights tend to be when they're put down after 1am.

Brendan giving a fist of approval

I recently recommended the Rock n Play to a friend whose daughter is 2.5 weeks younger than our boys. After one night in it, she texted me and was singing the sleeper's praises. She'd been using a co-sleeper, but they got longer stretches almost instantly with the Rock n Play. It seems that most people really have great results, as it has excellent reviews on Amazon.

The only negative I've heard about the Rock n Play is that some people blame it for giving their kid flat spots on their head. I just try to hold the boys more during the day to counteract the harder surface of the Rock n Play. I also plan to just have my pediatrician pay extra attention to their heads at monthly appointments, and hopefully it'll all be just fine. I also plan to move them to their cribs around 3 months, so that might help. I know that Fisher Price makes a more "deluxe" version of the Rock n Play with more head padding if the flat spot thing spooks you though. For me, the extra padding actually just makes me nervous about other things like SIDs, so I stuck with the basic one.

Overall, we've been very blessed in the sleep department, and I thank my lucky stars. I cannot sing the Rock n Play's praises enough. It will be my go-to shower gift from now on regardless of whether the person is registered for it or not! If you're about to fall over from weeks of screaming babies at 3am, I highly recommend this purchase.

A chart of their sleep progress over 30 nights in their Rock n Plays. This charts their first period of sleep in each night. Night #21 was the first night when they both wore swaddles.