NICU: My Emotional Reaction

When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I felt sure that the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) would be a part of my journey. Twins are often premature, and many people I've known with premature babies have had to cope with the little ones being in the NICU for weeks and sometimes months. While I knew having babies in the NICU would be tough, I was prepared for that.

At least, I was prepared for that until my pregnancy lasted past 37 weeks. By the time I was induced, the babies were big enough and developed enough that I thought we'd avoid the NICU altogether. Although we were tremendously lucky to have our boys with us shortly after delivery (33 hours and 55 hours later), any amount of NICU time can carry with it an emotional price.

For me, the emotional price mostly came with my second son, Brendan, who spent almost an extra 24 hours in the NICU. I felt a lot of guilt that I held his brother first and posted pictures on Facebook of just his brother and me while Brendan was still down in the NICU...alone. It took over 40 hours for me to get to see him for the first time. Logically, I know that the difficult recovery from my csection made going downstairs to see him any earlier nearly impossible, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. Other people--other women--fed and held both of my babies before I did. The boys spent their first night on this earth away from their family and out of my arms. I try to give myself some slack by remembering how physically damaged I was, but it still hurts my heart to envision my boys all alone.

Before it happened to me, I thought the NICU would be no big deal, and I'm sure that with time it will fade into memory, but don't underestimate how being away from your babies can make you feel, and feel free to talk to the hospital and NICU staff about your emotions. You should be able to call the NICU 24 hours a day to check on your baby; I never took advantage of this, but in hindsight I wish that I had. Waking up during that first night to the sounds of other people's screaming babies in the adjoining rooms made my room feel so empty and lonely. I should've swallowed my pride and called.